From Self-Sufficiency to Righteous in Christ
Sam, 1st Congregation
When I was growing up, I had no interest in Christianity. I was dragged to church at Christmas and Easter, but I didn’t understand the words or the message. I was always into Science. I went from mixing shampoo with coffee and building electric circuits in my bedroom as a child, to later, studying Maths and Theoretical Physics at Cambridge, and then a PhD. I thought Science had all the answers, and was determined to be self-sufficient. I didn’t need help from anyone else, and I definitely didn’t need help from God.
Several years ago, a pastor called Madelyn Humphreys in America asked me if I knew Jesus. I felt very awkward. She told me that we are all sinners. I remember thinking, ‘Well, you might be but I think I’m doing ok!’ On the face of it, my self-dependency was working out for me. I had friends and a good job. But beneath the surface, I was feeling frustrated with all the injustices in the world. I would flip open the newspaper and see child trafficking, deforestation, and pollution, and feel angry that nobody was being held responsible.
I was also frustrated with my life. I had had a series of failed relationships. My undergraduate degree had ended badly, meaning I could not follow the path I had wanted to. I had watched people in my cohort do better than me. I saw people around me have luxuries that I thought I deserved. I felt that something had been withheld from me. I felt short-changed and began to grow resentful. I was also confused: on the one hand, I saw the poverty and injustice in the world, and on the other, I saw friends and relatives with things that I wanted. I didn’t know whether I should help myself or help others. There were many times when I let people down. There were times when I was dishonest with people. But I felt that I was justified to act in this way because I felt that I had been let down.
To cope with this conflict in my mind I would go running and to the gym, joke with friends, and complain to my parents. But the buzz from the workout was always fleeting, and the relief from a cynical joke short-lived. And the frustrations kept boiling up. Home life became tense. I would focus on the negatives, and be on the lookout for faults in people. My relationships with friends and family were slowly being poisoned. My view of the world became grey and it began to take a toll on my health. I would get headaches, then memory loss. One day, I woke up and could not recall the name of my best friend’s wife, even though I had been the best man at their wedding. I couldn’t recall family holidays. Then, I began to get heart palpitations and could not take my pulse. I saw a specialist who began to draw up a list of medication I would need to take for the rest of my life.
My wife, Yulia, and I used to take our daughter to church. Yulia would always ask me if I wanted to stay for the service. I always refused and we went for breakfast instead. But one day we arrived early and there was a message on the screen that said, "To all who are weary and need rest..." And I thought ‘Well, I don’t need rest because I’ve had eight hours of sleep and have a lot to do’. But there was another part of me that was saying the opposite - that I did need rest. Those words resonated with me. Then I saw another line about forgiveness and I realised I did not have much forgiveness in my life. I was fighting back tears at that point. I could not keep reading. I had to look away. It was as if there was a truth so powerful on that slide that I knew I wouldn’t be able to read it without breaking down. I realised that trying to build a life using my own strength and wisdom was not working. It wasn't making me or my family happy. So when Yulia asked if I wanted to stay, I agreed. The service was on the topic of justice. I learned about Jesus, his birth, life, how he suffered for our sins, and took them on himself. And for the first time I saw how Jesus' life was relevant to me. I learnt that he had willingly gone to the cross, six inch nails being driven through his wrists, to hang until his death, to free us from our sins - to free me from my sins and to make me righteous in the eyes of God.
How could I feel bitterness after he did that for me? How could I feel resentment? How could I feel jealousy? I felt calm. I realised my heart was beating regularly again, and I could take my pulse again (I could measure my heart rate). I do not know how, but I knew that my heart had been fixed for good. Now when I look back, it feels almost as if God was saying to me, "You are stubborn, but I will give you a glimpse of my power so that you will believe".
After that, I wanted to learn more, so I went to an Alpha course which was run at work, and I started reading, as Madelyn had told me to, the book of John. I put my faith in Jesus and just like that all my negative emotions evaporated. My family relationships healed and I am happy at home. Every night, when I put our daughter to bed, I read the Bible to her. One night I was reading the book of Acts and she said "Don't stop Daddy. Don't stop. It's so good, Daddy." It's a beautiful thing. Later, I found out that she had been praying for me to become a Christian for many years. I do not have enemies or competitors anymore and I feel warmth towards people now. I know that everyone has setbacks in their lives and everyone has challenges, and many do not know the love that God has for them. Now, I know that I do not need to build up my name - I do not need to strive constantly for more status or riches or acceptance. I have torn up the material targets I set myself. The demands and expectations I put on myself have melted away. Jealousy and comparison have fallen away. The weight of my sins has been lifted. I am free - free to enjoy the present and to lead a life full of purpose and fulfillment. I always thought that God was for other people, and now I know he is inviting everyone to come to Him.